Once again...

life and making mistakes go hand in hand for me. Im used to it. Im used to being hurt and when im not i run for it i want it to make me feel comfortable. but every time i realize that even though i make mistakes even if no one could ever love me again i know that God will always love me. I am blessed with my daughter because he loves me. I am trying so hard to break my habits. to teach my baby girl its ok to have a happy life   and feel comfortable without having to have something bad happen. Im just tired. tired of feeling this way and living this way. I know its all in my hands to take the first step and let God in completely but for some reason i hesitate. its not comfortable even though ive had him in my life since the beginning. its always been halfway. so once again as i say every so often its time for a fresh start. a new beginning. God willing this time will be different. i can get the freedom from my past that i need so that i can conquer the future and bring nothing but happiness and hope and love to my daughter. 

Oh God of second chances and new beginnings here i come again. 

its been a long day but im glad im able to break my writers block and write. let it all out. 

Marisa

just thoughts

Today is sunday. My usual day of going to church and thinking on the past week and future really. I was terrified last night thinking about not being the best mother to my child and failing at it all. It frightened me to have to be alone in this. it saddens me to know that because he cant have it all he doesnt want any of it. well rather wants to use hatred and fighting over an innocent to get his way. I went to chuch today and it opened and calmed my heart. Made me at peace with myself. the homily was talking about loving your enemies. thats all ive been doing for a while now but i guess im realizing love doesnt always mean giving in. sometimes it means you have to give tough love. ive not been helping the situation by making excuses and all but instead allowing the bad to continue on and never get better. i willl continue to love but i guess im moving on to a more effective type of love that will reap great benefits in the future. He also talked about not letting your emotions run your life. I feel that i do have a problem with that. ive always lived by my emotions and sometimes that means not being in control of them. i feel i am going towards being able to control them and thinking with my head and not always jsut my heart. now my heart is backing up what my head says. I wish he knew that i have always forgiven him. i wish he knew that i dont have hatred towards him but instead it saddens me to see him choosing a path that is so negative. i guess i cant learn for him only for myself. ive decided i have to forget about trying to help him and stop worrying about what he is doing and start worrying about what i am doing. thats what today was. i learned i need to stand on my own to feet. although its lonely when i dont have his hand to hold. but really its not his hand that i am meant to hold and i know that now. God has someone for me but not right now and im ok wiht that cause ive got my little girl shes all i need. im done looking for someone to fill the hole. she fills it for me now. i couldnt be happier. learning everyday more and more about myself. i will be a good mom and i will not be afraid. its my turn to take the fear away for my daughter like my mom has done for me all my life.  i am strong.

Tonight i hear the wind through my window. its peaceful yet strong at the same time. reminds me of my baby. i know shes peaceful in there but shes strong when she kicks. i cant belive i was choosen to help  this beautiful baby grow inside of me, to be able to call her mine. im sad that her fathers not around to enjoy these moments with me. but im happy because we are safe. im happy because there is so much more to come that is beautiful in the future.

I pray tonight for me and my baby to continue to be healthy and have a safe and healthy delivery.

Its funny how easy it is to do the wrong thing. but it feels so much better to do the right. that positive energy is what has been helping me these past few months. i want to write more but my bodys telling me its time for bed. i guess ill listen. goodnight world. i wish you all peace and happiness.

Mari

Reflection

I have so much emotion built up inside of me. Its hard to look back on a relationship and know that it was lie. Its hard to know that when you tried so hard to fix things they never worked but if they did it was only for a moment. those moments i used to think were enough to cover up the bad. im now realizing that i shouldnt have to settle for that. Its hard knowing i can never go back to that relationship or any like it. not for my sake but for my childs sake. its hard having to be afraid. afraid of everythign. watching my back and wondering if another incident will occur. I worry for my child and wonder what he/she will have to go through. knowing i just want to give this baby the perfect life and knowing its not possible. although perfect is not what i want either. but knowing its gonna be hard. I hate that I believed in so much and now my heart is heavy with dissappointment. Its just plain hard. Its hard to look to the future and be positive sometimes. and sometimes i do just need to let it out. but its hard when ive felt this way for sooo long. felt so down for sooo long. i dont regret anythign ive done or the situations that ihave put myself in. I know they have made me stronger. and Im soo blessed to be having a baby. but with that im not gonna pretend its easy. its not easy having to go to sleep alone. its not easy to see others in love and having babies. having that support. dont get me wrong i have amazing support from my family and friends but its just not the same. but i wouldnt have it any other way. i wish i had the support from the father as i imagined i would but i know that its the last thing i wanna do and the least healthy for my and my baby. its just plain hard. its hard to belive that he thought i was not good enough to cherrish. its hard to believe i loved him so dearly through it all. and as i write this im not looking for sympathy. im not looking to get cheered up. im not looking to feel better. because i owe it to myself to be sad sometimes. but what i have to realize more is that i also deserve to be happy. at least once a day. to smile and to look on the bright side because after every bad comes a good and we may not know the reason for the bad but we know there is HOPE and i have FAITH in God. that alone is enough. This baby is enough to make me happy. im sooo blessed. i may be sad sometimes but its worth it because i know one day i will be truly happy again. and i know that day will be here soon. because God has givin me the greatest gift. A child to protect to love and to show God's way to all the days of my life. He has shown me and i am strong enough. thorugh the hurt and through the pain i will pull through. I WILL BE OK! no one has the power to knock me down. i will stand strong on my own two feet.  i may have given others that power before but i promise you now no one will ever have that power again. I am strong with God by my side. so just as this blog started out sad and bad... it ended  with a good. because after every bad there is a good. God is good!


Marisa :)

Blessed to be where i am today... On the road to RECOVERY and happiness

Funny how its barely hitting me now how blessed i am to be out of that horrible situation that i was in for about a year. Im now realizing the whole thing was lies on top of lies. Its amazing how i never new that or saw it at all. I can truely say that it was an experience that i am happy i had. I now know so many things that i never would have learned otherwise. It seems like i was hit with all the bad at one time and then of course the way God works he give me a blessing. A baby! :) Thank God! I feel this baby has saved me from my negative life and thoughts. I have now understood there is so much more to life and to what i deserve. I am still trying to take my space away from this negative situation which continues to haunt me but with the love and support of my family its been easier than i would have imagined. i know i would not have made it without them. Im soo very blessed. just looking after me and my baby now and moving on and growing up! im ready for new life... heres just a few things i have learned

I am worthy of love and respect.

I am loveable for who i am

I deserve to be happy

I deserve to not have to be afraid

I deserve to be forgiven for my wrongs

I deserve to continue to forgive the people that have wronged me

I am strong

I am beautiful

I will succeed

Im smart and unique

I can do anything i put my mind to


And all this i have learned by following and trusting God. I dont know what i would do if i was not religious. Once again all i can think is that i am truely blessed that my friends my family my child and myself are healthy and on the road to Recovery and Happiness.


Thats all for now ill write soon enough

Mari

Its been way to long

I have not written in a while. But in that time alot has happened. Good and Bad. Happy and Sad. Im newly single and trying to get used to this new title. I was so ready to be married and in a flash it was all gone and now im single. Everything happens for a reason. Thats my motto now a days. All in all im healthy and happy. I have my low days but overall this has made me stronger. Now im on my way to a new me.... again. Maybe this time ill actually do it. Wish me luck!

Marisa

To early...

Im awake and cant go back to sleep. Yes i see its almost twelve but i stayed up late last night. We invited another couple over to come hang out and drink with us a bit. A bit turned into alot. It was fun but im paying for it this morning. Anthonys at work currently and im waiting for the repair people to come fix our shower. Boring day so far but thats how i like it. After working 4 days 8-5 i deserve a break. So my plan is to clean up a bit, after im feeling better, watch some movies, keep looking into bridal stuff,and relax till Ant gets home from work. I plan to cook something but not sure what that something is... hmmm . Im getting very excited about our wedding. We talked about it last night but i dont think were on the same page about how and where. We will get on the same page soon im not to worried about it. Ill leave you with this photo of us. I wonder how we will acutally look in that clothes. We will see. Oh Well i guess thats all nothing insightful for now. But Life is good.

Taking Life by Its Horns

"Every One of us is called upon probably many times to start a new life. a frightening Diagnosis, A marriage, A move, loos of a job. And onward full tilt we go, pitched and wrecked and absurdly resolute, driven in spite of everything to make good on a new shore. To be hopeful, to embrace one possiblity after another~that is surely the basic instint.. Crying out. HIGH TIDE! Time to move out into the glorious debris. Time to take this life for what it is"

-Barbara Kingsolver, High Tide in Tucson

This quote above explains my feelings about today. Last night something inside of me was not happy. I have now come to the conclusion that it was because i dont do what i want to do. I dont go out for a walk on my days off because im to tired. rather to lazy. But i love to see the world around me so why dont i go out anyways. Today is a new day for me. Thank God. I feel vibrant and Excited to start my life from now on and forget the past. Ill keep the memories but i wont let them hold me back. Im excited. There is so much to do around the house, so many new recepies to cook and so many new creative things to do with crafts and left over paper. More pictures to be taken. Ill have more to show in the days to follow. Ive hit my rut hard and am ready to go on forward in full speed, yet taking the time to enjoy the special moments of every day.