just thoughts

Today is sunday. My usual day of going to church and thinking on the past week and future really. I was terrified last night thinking about not being the best mother to my child and failing at it all. It frightened me to have to be alone in this. it saddens me to know that because he cant have it all he doesnt want any of it. well rather wants to use hatred and fighting over an innocent to get his way. I went to chuch today and it opened and calmed my heart. Made me at peace with myself. the homily was talking about loving your enemies. thats all ive been doing for a while now but i guess im realizing love doesnt always mean giving in. sometimes it means you have to give tough love. ive not been helping the situation by making excuses and all but instead allowing the bad to continue on and never get better. i willl continue to love but i guess im moving on to a more effective type of love that will reap great benefits in the future. He also talked about not letting your emotions run your life. I feel that i do have a problem with that. ive always lived by my emotions and sometimes that means not being in control of them. i feel i am going towards being able to control them and thinking with my head and not always jsut my heart. now my heart is backing up what my head says. I wish he knew that i have always forgiven him. i wish he knew that i dont have hatred towards him but instead it saddens me to see him choosing a path that is so negative. i guess i cant learn for him only for myself. ive decided i have to forget about trying to help him and stop worrying about what he is doing and start worrying about what i am doing. thats what today was. i learned i need to stand on my own to feet. although its lonely when i dont have his hand to hold. but really its not his hand that i am meant to hold and i know that now. God has someone for me but not right now and im ok wiht that cause ive got my little girl shes all i need. im done looking for someone to fill the hole. she fills it for me now. i couldnt be happier. learning everyday more and more about myself. i will be a good mom and i will not be afraid. its my turn to take the fear away for my daughter like my mom has done for me all my life.  i am strong.

Tonight i hear the wind through my window. its peaceful yet strong at the same time. reminds me of my baby. i know shes peaceful in there but shes strong when she kicks. i cant belive i was choosen to help  this beautiful baby grow inside of me, to be able to call her mine. im sad that her fathers not around to enjoy these moments with me. but im happy because we are safe. im happy because there is so much more to come that is beautiful in the future.

I pray tonight for me and my baby to continue to be healthy and have a safe and healthy delivery.

Its funny how easy it is to do the wrong thing. but it feels so much better to do the right. that positive energy is what has been helping me these past few months. i want to write more but my bodys telling me its time for bed. i guess ill listen. goodnight world. i wish you all peace and happiness.

Mari