Reflection

I have so much emotion built up inside of me. Its hard to look back on a relationship and know that it was lie. Its hard to know that when you tried so hard to fix things they never worked but if they did it was only for a moment. those moments i used to think were enough to cover up the bad. im now realizing that i shouldnt have to settle for that. Its hard knowing i can never go back to that relationship or any like it. not for my sake but for my childs sake. its hard having to be afraid. afraid of everythign. watching my back and wondering if another incident will occur. I worry for my child and wonder what he/she will have to go through. knowing i just want to give this baby the perfect life and knowing its not possible. although perfect is not what i want either. but knowing its gonna be hard. I hate that I believed in so much and now my heart is heavy with dissappointment. Its just plain hard. Its hard to look to the future and be positive sometimes. and sometimes i do just need to let it out. but its hard when ive felt this way for sooo long. felt so down for sooo long. i dont regret anythign ive done or the situations that ihave put myself in. I know they have made me stronger. and Im soo blessed to be having a baby. but with that im not gonna pretend its easy. its not easy having to go to sleep alone. its not easy to see others in love and having babies. having that support. dont get me wrong i have amazing support from my family and friends but its just not the same. but i wouldnt have it any other way. i wish i had the support from the father as i imagined i would but i know that its the last thing i wanna do and the least healthy for my and my baby. its just plain hard. its hard to belive that he thought i was not good enough to cherrish. its hard to believe i loved him so dearly through it all. and as i write this im not looking for sympathy. im not looking to get cheered up. im not looking to feel better. because i owe it to myself to be sad sometimes. but what i have to realize more is that i also deserve to be happy. at least once a day. to smile and to look on the bright side because after every bad comes a good and we may not know the reason for the bad but we know there is HOPE and i have FAITH in God. that alone is enough. This baby is enough to make me happy. im sooo blessed. i may be sad sometimes but its worth it because i know one day i will be truly happy again. and i know that day will be here soon. because God has givin me the greatest gift. A child to protect to love and to show God's way to all the days of my life. He has shown me and i am strong enough. thorugh the hurt and through the pain i will pull through. I WILL BE OK! no one has the power to knock me down. i will stand strong on my own two feet.  i may have given others that power before but i promise you now no one will ever have that power again. I am strong with God by my side. so just as this blog started out sad and bad... it ended  with a good. because after every bad there is a good. God is good!


Marisa :)